View Full Version : Reasons Why I'll Never Be Cool

05-17-2006, 02:29 AM
One random reason: I like those Time-Life half-hour music commercials, the ones in which some young hot mama teams with a mannequin-like former music star to play snippets of oldies in between sales pitches for tapes or CDs of whichever decade/category of music they're hawking. Even if I've seen the broadcast a dozen times, I don't mind having it on as background noise while I'm doing something around the house. Clips of favorite tunes seldom fail to inspire warm feelings in me, whether they're songs I grew up hearing or even older ones that populated the oldies stations of those long-past days.
(God, the songs of my youth are now venerated oldies . . . that sort of puts things into perspective.)
I believe the first one of these programs I ever took notice of featured Jack Smith, the Wolfman, back in the Eighties. I was home alone recovering from a work-related accident (broken foot), and since this was pre-cable or satellite for me, all I had to watch were four or five local over-the-air TV stations. Three of these were running soaps -- cute chicks, but jeeze, the acting and what passes for plots on those shows is pathetic --, another had some preacher who, as the Charlie Daniels Band's "Long-Haired Country Boy" says, "Wanted to do a little walking (on the water), too," so that left me with a low-powered, lower-funded UHF outlet that was playing the Wolfman's record collection sale to raise commerical revenues.
I remember that Jack was sitting around, all bloated and sweating in a terrycloth robe as if he had just come off-stage following a Springsteen-like performance while he answered "golly-willikers" questions from a couple of young model types about the Golden Era of Rock and Roll. In illustration, Wolfman cued samples of some of the great songs his selection offered.
To my surprise, I had a terrific twenty-nine minutes, and since then the newer, slicker T/L versions (R.I.P. Wolfman, by the way) have carried on the tradition.
Of course, I never actually buy the CDs.

Another reason: I can perform a little of several traditional Greek dances (thanks to a summer when Dad showed up for awhile), and I never refuse to demonstrate this talent, especially while drunk. The only thing more geeky than an American dancing Greek style, is anyone engaged in Irish step-dancing ("Riverdance" version).

There are plenty of other excellent reasons why the attribute of coolness will forever elude me -- all of them as boring as these two --, and I may reveal a few more the next time I'm feeling a little too good about myself. Right now, it's time for a wax representation of Bobby Vinton to try and convince me to commit my next ten years' salary to his "personally-selected" collection of great love songs. Good luck with that. PeteLeo.

05-17-2006, 10:29 AM
Pete, in the cyber age, there has got to be a Greek dancing, infomercial-loving online community out there somewhere that would gladly crown you its king.

Steve McV
05-17-2006, 11:02 PM
I will never be cool.

But then, I'm having too much fun being me.

As for oldies... hell, I'm living with a woman who is (mumble mumble) years younger than I and I recall an incident a few years ago when we were listening to an oldies station and a favorite song of hers from the 80's came on. She was OUTRAGED! She was a teen in the 80's, her music was still cool... wasn't it?

A couple of years ago, a music video came out with included the line, "When did Motley Crue become classic rock?" I had to laugh. For me, as a teen, the bands were Three Dog Night, the Stones, the Doors, Black Sabbath... hell, I was in my early teens before the Beatles broke up.

Classic rock, indeed. So who needs to be cool? Cool today is gone tomorrow. Or, as one young lady told me, "Oh, God, you are SO second millenium!"

05-18-2006, 02:32 AM
I thought Wolfman Jack's real name was Bob Smith.

05-18-2006, 02:33 AM
Another reason: I LOVE banana puddin'. (Just that, no slimy sexual overtones intended or accepted.) PeteLeo.

05-18-2006, 02:35 AM
Oh, yeah. Jack was his brother, a.k.a. "Rocky Raccoon Man" Jack (he used way too much mascara). PeteLeo.

05-18-2006, 02:38 AM
Oh, yeah. Jack was his brother, a.k.a. "Rocky Raccoon Man" Jack (he used way too much mascara). PeteLeo.


Roberto Aqui
05-18-2006, 06:31 AM
I'm so cool that I need to be recycled again to be cool. Now, how cool is that!

05-18-2006, 09:48 AM
"London Calling" was released almost 27 years ago. No doubt about it. You can never be permanently "cool." "Cool" is ephemeral; you can only rent it.

Even Keith Richards is a squirrelly old man falling out of coconut trees.

As a middle-aged man, I am quite content to watch teenage hip-hoppers with jeans hanging off the cracks of their arses fight it out for the "cool" prize. It's quite entertaining.

05-19-2006, 07:01 PM
Actually Pete, just because of your honesty & realistic view of yourself, I think you're pretty cool - not to mention your also funny as hell!

That's cool, at least to me ...


Steve McV
05-21-2006, 03:30 AM
Well said, Gordoom!

06-08-2006, 12:30 AM
Reason # 5280: given the chance, I will still watch reruns of "The Abbott and Costello Show."

Reason # 376: I gave up smoking (even weed) years ago, and a real cool cat should always have a cig tucked away in a pocket.

Reason # 93: I once wore a plastic "Batman" helmet w/cape (remember those?) in a school play and mumbled the immortal line, "I would rather be a Batman than a rat fink." My Mom still has photos as proof.

Reason # 777: when clean-shaven (which isn't often, believe me), I have a startling resemblance to the kid who played "Cousin Oliver" on the final season of "The Brady Bunch" (minus the cool rimless specs).

Reason 9: I once took part in a game of "Dungeons and Dragons." With other people. Not in disguise. PeteLeo.

06-08-2006, 09:17 AM
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed in High School. Top that, Pete! In your face!

06-08-2006, 10:47 AM
I was voted Most Likely to Take an Anger Management Course.

06-09-2006, 12:51 AM
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed in High School. Top that, Pete! In your face!

"Most Likely to Succeed" at what?

I was voted "most likely to be written up as 'unidentified perp #2.'" PeteLeo.

06-13-2006, 02:23 AM
I not only think that Sade is incredibly sexy, I think she can sing, too. PeteLeo.

06-13-2006, 01:16 PM
I got Antonia "Huggy Bear" Fargas' autograph during a Mars candy promotion at Quincy Market in Boston during the mid-80s.

06-13-2006, 01:16 PM
Ooops, of course I mean "Antonio". Sorry, Huggy.