View Full Version : A Few Things I Learned From Television

02-21-2007, 02:33 AM
For this inaugural post, the topic will be TV crime dramas.

(A) If there is a male high school or college athlete, he did it. It doesn't matter how innocent or likeable the guy appears to be, all male members of any school athletic team are racist, homophobic, steroid-addled, conceited, sexually-insecure, rage-aholic murderers in training. I think this observation would prove true even if the particular team any of these characters belonged to was synchronized swimming.

(B) Any evangelical preacher is automatically a closeted homosexual who is using church funds to pay off his secret boy dates, and if he isn't the killer, he's at least the ultimate reason for the killing. Two of the "Law and Order" franchaises have reinforced this hard and fast rule with stories in the past couple of weeks.

(C) Anyone -- hero or villain -- can run in front of a speeding car, be thrown onto its hood with enough force to crash into and smash the windshield, roll off, and resume running at full speed without so much as a limp or a bloody nose. To be fair (and aren't I always fair?), this superhuman capacity first appeared and spread like a virus in the movies, but television hasn't been shy in adopting the trait.

(D) No matter how close a TV crime drama character is standing when a hellacious explosion occurs, he or she will never have the slightest difficulty in hearing even a whisper three seconds afterwards. Some eardrums these folks have.

(E) Anyone with a Southern accent is obviously a racist and, probably, a pedophile.

(F) Whatever hideous, awful, traumatic, soul-chilling tragedy befalls the primary victim in a crime drama, it has happened in the past to at least one member of the investgative team. Well . . . maybe not death, but you know what I mean.

(G) Any gun in a "civilian" (i.e., non-law enforcement-headed) household will wind up in the hands of a child before the end of the episode and, in 98% of the cases, kill someone innocent of any crime.

(H) If you were a hippy back in the Sixties, you murdered someone then and have kept it a secret since.

(I) Cell phones, which all police detectives carry at all times to inform them of lab discoveries which will greatly advance the plot, never go off and alert "perps" when the heroes are creeping up on them (and before someone points out that cell phones can be switched off or changed to vibrate, these same devices will often beep piercingly the split second after the villain has been placed in 'cuffs or shot).

(J) A serial killer with an I.Q. of 180 who has been murdering for decades and humiliating the detectives for equally as long will dissolve into a blubbering, confessing glob of insanity the moment a cop mentions anything about the childhood incident that caused him to become a serial killer. Some of the really, really, smart psychos can postpone this emotional meltdown until they're actually in court and on the witness stand, but eventually they all cave. Makes you wonder how the two Jacks (the Ripper and the Stripper), the Zodiac, and the Mad Butcher of Cleveland managed to keep their mouths shut, doesn't it?

(K) Male villains can be evil for evil's sake, but female villains have always been molested by dirty males at some point, which forces them to become "pseudo-evil." Exceptions to this rule are those high society dames who kill to keep their past indiscretions secret, which leads us to the next rule:

(L) All rich people are, at heart, criminal. Otherwise, they wouldn't have all of that money, would they?

(M) Big corporations are like male high school and college athletes: they're always the ones who did it.

(N) Television reporters assigned to the crime beat all have a single overriding desire that fuels their very lives, and that is to make the police look incompetent and reveal the details of on-going investigations that will alert the villains to the nets closing about them. Okay, maybe this one isn't so much of a stereotype.

(O) There are no Puerto Rican police officers outside of Puerto Rico. The last known member of this vanished tribe was portrayed by Gregory Sierra some thirty years ago on "Barney Miller," and he left early to go on to his . . . estimable movie career.

Aren't you glad I didn't go for the whole alphabet tonight? PeteLeo.

02-21-2007, 03:43 AM
all investigations eventually lead to a strip joint where a witty line such as "what is this, some kind of bust" will take place.

DNA can be obtained from samples as small as an eyelash

DNA results can be made available within minutes

a massive gun battle can erupt in a city and no one calls police

my cell phone tunes in and out in a stiff breeze. cell phones on tv work anywhere, at anytime, except at that crucial moment .

water sprinklers in an entire building will go off at the touch of a bic lighter.

reality shows are not real.

we have pinhead cameras, yet snitches miked up require microphones the size of grapefruits still ductaped to their chests.

02-21-2007, 08:41 AM
Pete - regarding your (I) point, that DID happen in "The Departed". Damon's cell phone goes off as he and Nicholson are playing cat-and-mouse behind the warehouse.

Of course, Damon was on the payroll, so this one might not count....

A couple of things I learned from TV - Rolaids absord 57 times their weight in excess stomach acid. During a brain operation, not only should you be awake but you will smell burned toast. Sucking on a Menthos will make you not punch people in the face that really deserve it. And cute little kids who rapidly nibble on french fries in ketchup commercials grow up to be scary looking adults.

02-21-2007, 11:03 AM
No matter how long ago a crime occurred, the night watchman on duty and now ensconced in an old-age home, will still recall that guy with a baseball hat loitering around the grounds "who looked a little suspicious."

Bartenders and restaurant hostesses always remember the time every customer arrives and leaves.

Perps always leave lots of incriminating evidence around their residences days after a crime, which lead detectives find when executing a search warrant.

Guilty defendants always ignore the advice of their lawyers to keep quiet, and spill the details of the crime when they are asked.

02-21-2007, 11:06 AM
Any defendant with more than a high school education will confess everything, just to prove he was smarter than the cops and that they underestimated him.

Guys serving life sentences will gladly rat out a cellie when a detective promises to "see what he can do" about cutting a sentence or securing privileges. There's a lot of trust there.

02-21-2007, 02:18 PM
I sure thought "(G)" would have provoked some outraged debate by now. We'll give it a little more time. PeteLeo.

02-21-2007, 03:07 PM
Bartenders and restaurant hostesses always remember the time every customer arrives and leaves.

I have never, EVER, seen in real life a bartender wiping glasses with a towel. But that is such a stereotypical thing to see in TV and movies--almost EVERY time.

02-21-2007, 04:39 PM
Coroners are witty, avuncular, mildy-touched-in-the-head eccentrics (or hot babes) who can look at the smashed-in cranial cavity of a decade-old skeleton and tell exactly what caused the injury and how. And this testimony will hold up in court.

And the blood samples from a twenty-year old homicide will still be "in the files" and zesty,efficient clerical personnel will be able to put their hands on those files immediately.

02-21-2007, 05:47 PM
-Apparently every evidence processing laboratory has ambient music playing to make looking through a microscope more interesting.

-A team of two detectives is always necessary when looking for clues. This is because it is imperative that one detective looks at something (trunk of a car) and finds nothing and moves on so that the second detective can look at it (trunk of car) and by actually moving some things (papers) find something (a puddle of blood).

-There are no overweight women cops in the field.

-The main characters usually have no accents, but the plain-clothes guys have hyperbolic accents.. especially true of any NY crime drama.

02-21-2007, 06:03 PM
Eats a Hamburger when doing an Autopsy for the sole purpose of making those with Queasy stomach's sick.

I beleive, and correct me if I am wrong, this was originated in the movie Coma and has been repeated inumerable times since.


02-21-2007, 06:14 PM
No cop, coroner or CSI on television has, in the history of recorded time, ever taken a vacation, dumped a messy assignment on a junior co-worker, filed a union grievance, misappropriated state property or just plain played hooky.

02-21-2007, 06:15 PM
As far as guns, Pete, if someone says "I've got a permit for that," they don't got a permit for that.

Thor DK
02-21-2007, 06:42 PM
Crime doesn't pay, unless you're a really charming criminal.

And never commit murder. You'll likely die in an ironic and very messy way.

02-22-2007, 01:54 PM
Pete, vis a vis (O), does Esai Morales on NYPD Blue count?

02-23-2007, 03:56 AM
It seems "blood diamonds" are more available than regular diamonds. at least on cop shows

CSI Miami has to be the worst show on TV.

best commercial, dominos pizza. guy with big nose says it smells so good. guy with big mouth argues its the taste. they ask guy with big eyes who's right. he says neither, the pizza looks so good. commercial ends with guy in yard with big ears who says the pizza sounds good.

worst commercial. guys stripping for a couple of women in a car? supposedly won some award and was aired during super bowl. the sight of the 90 year old man shirtless is something i could do with out.

if a perp is surrounded by police and draws a gun, only 1 officer will fire only 2 shots and stop him.

when you ram into another car, the result is your car does a roll in the air and the original car is undamaged.

02-23-2007, 12:47 PM
Pete, vis a vis (O), does Esai Morales on NYPD Blue count?

Oh, uh, yeah, I forgot about him. PeteLeo.

03-22-2007, 01:20 AM
Here's yet another: if the crime of the week involves a teenaged girl and the father of one of her grieving friends shows any trace of compassion or empathy for what his daughter is experiencing, there's your man. This was reaffirmed by "Crossing Jordan" tonight. The background music should have swelled to a dramatic, "PAH-PAH-PAH!!" at the instant the father hugged his crying child and gently asked her to help the investigating officers in any way that she could.
Sometimes it's a curse to be so prescient. PeteLeo.

03-22-2007, 07:23 AM
all types of dirt, leaves,sand, or pollen on a dead body can be traced to a unique area aproximately 100 yards square. All forensic pathologists know the exact make up of dirt for every square inch of their state.

any schmoe can recreate a crime with computer graphics. no training necessary. its as easy as an etch a sketch.

03-22-2007, 09:48 AM
Hot, smart, accomplished funny women will crawl across eight miles of broken glass for the love of a bloated, emotionally-stunted, intellectually-vacant, loud, arrogant, balding middle-aged douchebag. Nothing less will satisfy them.

03-22-2007, 08:01 PM
So THAT'S how Andy Sipowicz kept getting those babes. PeteLeo.