December 21, 1999

Bruno on Boxing

By Joe Bruno--Former Vice President of the Boxing Writers Association and the International Boxing Writers Association

So's who’s been naughty and who's been nice in boxing the past year? Santa has been keeping track and intends on delivering these well deserved Christmas presents early Christmas morning. Here's what some boxing people can expect in their stockings:

Oscar De la hoya - From NY Daily News Boxing Scribe Mike "Wolfman" Katz--- Emeril Live’s Chicken Cookbook.

Bob Arum - From Don King - A lifetime supply of reversible return bout contracts.

Don King - From Bob Arum - Coal.

Boxing Photojournalist Mary Ann Owen -- A large assault settlement check from Christy Martin.

Mike Tyson - A one way ticket to London, England and a copy of the Declaration of Independence.

Julius Francis - A one-way ticket to the United States before Mike Tyson gets to London.

Roy Jones - A heart.

HBO Honcho Seth "The Shrimp" Abraham -- A set of Adler’s Elevator Shoes, and a life.

Mike Lupica - Adler’s Elevator Shoes and Seth Abraham’s life.

Evander Holyfield - A paid lifetime AARP (American Association of Retired People) membership card.

Lennox Lewis - A trip to Las Vegas so he can finally take a chance.

Felix Trinidad - A muzzle for his father.

Prince Naseem Hamed - A muzzle for himself.

George Foreman - A year supply of Big Macs, made on his own grill, of course.

Ferdie Pacheco - A case of lip balm so he can keep kissing Don King’s butt.

Randy Gordon - A job.

Teddy Atlas - A more visible TV boxing colorman gig.

Max Kellerman - A set of handcuffs so Teddy Atlas has to take Max with him.

Bert Sugar - A twelve pack of multicolored hats and a year’s supply of exploding cigars.

Ike Ibeabuchi - Home detention and a subscription to the Playboy Channel.

Tony Ayala - (See Ike Ibeabuchi)

Bob Lee - Johnnie Cochoran’s phone number.

Dariusz Michalczewski - An easier name to spell and Roy Jones’ address.

Margaret MacGregor - An all expenses paid trip to the beauty parlor.

Larry Hazzard - The world’s largest list of excuses (as if he doesn’t have them already).

Jose Sulaiman - A wand so he can make himself disappear.

Larry Holmes - A Maidenform Bra.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. - A brain.

Bobby Czyz - A vegetarian cookbook.

Harold Lederman - A voice synthesizer.

Julio Cesar Chavez - A fight with Kostya Tszyu and a plastic surgeon.

Michael Grant - David Tua’s punch.

David Tua - Michael Grant’s height.

John

ny Tapia - Half a brain to match the other half he already has.

Hector Camacho Sr. - A Joseph Abboud suit

Hector Camacho Jr. - His father’s talent.

Fernando Vargas - The boxing ability to match his mouth, and a better barber.

Paul Spadafora - The recognition he deserves.

Senator John McCain - The Presidency.

Johnny Bos - A win for his fighter Joey Gamache against Arturo Gatti in February at Madison Square Garden.

Dan Goossen - A ton of crazy glue so he can attach himself permanently to other people’s money.

Michael Moorer’s grandfather - A blowtorch so he can burn down the family tree.

South Carolina Athletic Commission - A permanent suspension for allowing Stephan Johnson to fight there in spite of the fact Johnson was under suspension In the far away country of Canada.

Tommy Morrison - A bicycle.

Oliver McCall - A case of Valium.

Larry Merchant - A blow away wig.

Jim Lampley - A boxing rule book.

Jim Gray - The desire to badger Don King the way he did Pete Rose.

The Cuban Boxing Team - A truck load of crying towels.

Lou Duva - Johnny Depp’s face.

Jimmy Lennon Jr. - A seat in a soundproof room with Howard Cosell’s voice being constantly piped in.

To all CBZ Readers - No more pay-per-view fights and a Happy Holiday Season!!