January 3, 2000

Bruno on Boxing

By Joe Bruno--Former Vice President of the Boxing Writers Association and the International Boxing Writers Association

This is a time for making New Years resolutions. And this being the millennium, some people in boxing are making secret resolutions in the hope of seriously changing the direction of their wretched lives. But the CBZ being in the know, I present to you list of New Years resolutions you’ll never hear about except here.

Oscar De lahoya--- "I promise to fight the full twelve rounds so that corrupt boxing judges won’t be able to steal the decision from me, so help me Don Bleeping King."

Bob Arum - "I promise to make amends with my fellow boxing icon Don King, long enough to stick a legal stiletto between his felonious shoulder blades."

Don King - "I promise to keep a detailed record of the expenses deducted from my fighter’s paychecks, in invisible ink of course."

Mike Tyson - "I promise to keep a copy of the Marquis of Queensberry rules under my pillow at night, just in case I run out of paper towels."

Roy Jones - "I promise to fight somebody, anybody with a pulse. Hey, is Bob Foster still breathing?"

HBO monarch Seth "The Shrimp" Abraham - "I promise to give the boxing fan the best possible boxing shows at the lowest possible prices. Then on second thought, screw the suckers."

Evander Holyfield - "I promise to retire. My mojo of course. These damn child support payments are killing me."

Lennox Lewis - "Since I did win the gold medal for Canada, I promise to rightfully bill myself as a Canadian rather than a British fighter. God save the Queen, and I don’t mean Boy George."

Felix Trinidad - "I promise to try to stay at 147 pounds, but it’s not easy when I have to swallow so much of my father’s bullspit."

Christy Martin - "I promise to channel my aggressions in the ring and punch at only my opponents. But Mary Ann Owens has some damn nerve looking so much better than I do with less than half the effort."

Prince Naseem Hamed - "I promise to shorten my entrances into the ring to under a day and a half."

George Foreman - "I promised to grill only fish. Larry Merchant not included."

Ferdie Pacheco - "I promise to keep my nose away from Don King’s toes."

Randy Gordon - "I promise to invite NY boxing scribes Mike Katz and Wally Matthews to my home for dinner. Them fools being the main course of course."

Teddy Atlas - "I promise to properly paper train Max Kellerman."

Max Kellerman - "I promise to aim only at the New York Times."

Ike Ibeabuchi - "I promise not to phone any more call girls. But I thought that was why they called them call girls. I’m so confused."

Tony Ayala - "I promise to counsel Cecil Cooper."

Bob Lee - "I promise not to make any more promises."

Margaret MacGregor - "I promise not to beat up on any more men. Not unless they like it intensely."

Larry Hazzard - "I promise to employ more experienced boxing officials. More experienced at lying than Eugenia Williams I mean."

Jose Sulaiman - "I promised to better study the English language so that I can better read the American inditements."

Larry Holmes - "I promise to stop singing. And I promise to choke Joe Frazier until he stops singing."

Bobby Czyz - "I promise to exercise in order to lower my neck size to under two touchdowns and a field goal."

Floyd Mayweather Jr. - "I promise to make Father’s Day the most special day of the year. And that’s no rap."

Dan Goossen - "I promise not to promote any more former felons. Which means I might have to get into a different line of work."

Tommy Morrison - "I promise to get on the wagon. Those damn cars are getting me into too much trouble anyway."

Larry Merchant - "I promise to stop talking down to my audience."

Harold Lederman - "I promise to stop talking. Period."

Lou Duva - "I promise to fire my plastic surgeon."

Julio Cesar Chavez - "I promise to start leading with my left jab rather than with my once-handsome face."

Bert Sugar - "I promise to buy Joe Bruno a alcoholic drink and a Cuban cigar."

Joe Bruno - "I promise to make sure it’s not a Bill Clinton Cuban cigar."

Happy New Millennium!!! And a Merry Y2K to you too!!!