January 3, 2000
Bruno on Boxing
By Joe Bruno--Former Vice President of the Boxing Writers Association and the
International Boxing Writers Association
This is a time for making New Years resolutions. And this being the
millennium, some people in boxing are making secret resolutions in the hope
of seriously changing the direction of their wretched lives. But the CBZ
being in the know, I present to you list of New Years resolutions youíll
never hear about except here.
Oscar De lahoya--- "I promise to fight the full twelve rounds so that corrupt
boxing judges wonít be able to steal the decision from me, so help me Don
Bob Arum - "I promise to make amends with my fellow boxing icon Don King,
long enough to stick a legal stiletto between his felonious shoulder blades."
Don King - "I promise to keep a detailed record of the expenses deducted from
my fighterís paychecks, in invisible ink of course."
Mike Tyson - "I promise to keep a copy of the Marquis of Queensberry rules
under my pillow at night, just in case I run out of paper towels."
Roy Jones - "I promise to fight somebody, anybody with a pulse. Hey, is Bob
Foster still breathing?"
HBO monarch Seth "The Shrimp" Abraham - "I promise to give the boxing fan the
best possible boxing shows at the lowest possible prices. Then on second
thought, screw the suckers."
Evander Holyfield - "I promise to retire. My mojo of course. These damn child
support payments are killing me."
Lennox Lewis - "Since I did win the gold medal for Canada, I promise to
rightfully bill myself as a Canadian rather than a British fighter. God save
the Queen, and I donít mean Boy George."
Felix Trinidad - "I promise to try to stay at 147 pounds, but itís not easy
when I have to swallow so much of my fatherís bullspit."
Christy Martin - "I promise to channel my aggressions in the ring and punch
at only my opponents. But Mary Ann Owens has some damn nerve looking so much
better than I do with less than half the effort."
Prince Naseem Hamed - "I promise to shorten my entrances into the ring to
under a day and a half."
George Foreman - "I promised to grill only fish. Larry Merchant not included."
Ferdie Pacheco - "I promise to keep my nose away from Don Kingís toes."
Randy Gordon - "I promise to invite NY boxing scribes Mike Katz and Wally
Matthews to my home for dinner. Them fools being the main course of course."
Teddy Atlas - "I promise to properly paper train Max Kellerman."
Max Kellerman - "I promise to aim only at the New York Times."
Ike Ibeabuchi - "I promise not to phone any more call girls. But I thought
that was why they called them call girls. Iím so confused."
Tony Ayala - "I promise to counsel Cecil Cooper."
Bob Lee - "I promise not to make any more promises."
Margaret MacGregor - "I promise not to beat up on any more men. Not unless
they like it intensely."
Larry Hazzard - "I promise to employ more experienced boxing officials. More
experienced at lying than Eugenia Williams I mean."
Jose Sulaiman - "I promised to better study the English language so that I
can better read the American inditements."
Larry Holmes - "I promise to stop singing. And I promise to choke Joe Frazier
until he stops singing."
Bobby Czyz - "I promise to exercise in order to lower my neck size to under
two touchdowns and a field goal."
Floyd Mayweather Jr. - "I promise to make Fatherís Day the most special day
of the year. And thatís no rap."
Dan Goossen - "I promise not to promote any more former felons. Which means I
might have to get into a different line of work."
Tommy Morrison - "I promise to get on the wagon. Those damn cars are getting
me into too much trouble anyway."
Larry Merchant - "I promise to stop talking down to my audience."
Harold Lederman - "I promise to stop talking. Period."
Lou Duva - "I promise to fire my plastic surgeon."
Julio Cesar Chavez - "I promise to start leading with my left jab rather than
with my once-handsome face."
Bert Sugar - "I promise to buy Joe Bruno a alcoholic drink and a Cuban cigar."
Joe Bruno - "I promise to make sure itís not a Bill Clinton Cuban cigar."
Happy New Millennium!!! And a Merry Y2K to you too!!!