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Rhodes vs. Mathews: Andre Figueiredo


Howdy folks, and welcome to another one of Andre's Super Detailed Fight Reviews.

Ryan Rhodes and Jason Mathews have arrived at the shores of "Pugilistica" (TM Don King), and tonight they fight for the WBO Gold (and the adulation of groupies).

It's been a tough day, my grandfather died today (Saturday), and apparently John-John Kennedy has "bought the farm" as well. I've said a prayer or two for both of them, and now the best way to forget my troubles is to get back to work (alcohol is pretty cool in these situations as well, unfortunately I'm strictly a caffeine-man).

Ryan Rhodes is a 22 year old British Boxing prodigy. He was thrust into a world title fight against Canada's Otis Grant, when he was merely 20 years of age. Needless to say that Otis took Ryan to school, and easily out pointed him. Since then Ryan has got back on a roll and tonight he was supposed to face the WBO champ, Germany's Bert "Don't call me Burt" Shenk. But Bertie-Boy got himself some kind of back injury (perhaps a yellow streak running down his back), and since Ryan was all prepared to fight on Saturday, Frank Warren was kind enough to find a substitute opponent for Ryan, so that Rhodes could collect a pay check while "Lawnmowering" some poor fool's ass. The selected opponent was Jason Matthews, a decent British Middleweight.

Anyway let's look at both fighters:

Ryan Rhodes:
This guy suffers from "Derrick Gainer Syndrome". Gainer sees RJJ fight, and he presumes he can fight exactly the same style despite not having the same athletic ability. Ryan watched his good friend Naseem Hamed fight in a very unorthodox style, and he figured he could get away with the same crap. Otis Grant showed Ryan that he fought like a horse's ass and he stunk like horse shit (makes perfect sense). Brendan Ingle enjoys teaching this whole unorthodox bullshit. Naseem Hamed, Ryan Rhodes, Johnny Nelson, they all fight the same way, some get away with the bullshit and some don't. Ya know, basically it's like this: They neglect their defence, because they believe they have the reflexes to dodge the incoming. They neglect their offensive technique (although Ryan has a great accurate, rapier jab) because they believe their hand speed, and power will make up for it. For those of you wondering what Ryan Rhodes is like, just imagine a 160 lbs version of Naseem Hamed. Ryan is very fast, he hits pretty damn hard with either hand, and is very athletic (enjoys doing back flips after the fights). He's got good movement, and good footwork and I pick him big time to clean Matthews's clock here tonight. He's also a pretty boy (blond hair, blue eyes) formerly nicknamed "Spice Boy", and yes he fights just like a Spice Girl on PMS, hopefully tonight he'll make Jason Matthews look like George Michael in a Los Angeles men's room.

Finally I would just like to mention that Rhodes is one of the nicest, likeable guys I have ever seen in this industry, completely down to Earth, and always with a very positive attitude. Ryan predicts victory by KO in 4 to 5 rounds.

Jason Matthews:
Jason is 28 years old, don't really know much about him. I know he's supposed to have a suspect chin, and I know that he punches like a damn mule. Jason's mother died recently (5 weeks ago), and tonight he's dedicating this fight to the memory of he's mum. Jason is from some place in London called ACNE (or is it Hackney?). He's a fitness fanatic, and he's always in shape. A much bigger middleweight than Ryan, with a longer reach, and a decent pressure fighter. Claims to be all natural and despises such things as Creatine. Nicknamed "Method Man" (I wonder if the vocalist for Rap group "Wu Tang Clan" knows about such trademark infringements?). Jason is a great physical specimen, wide shoulders, thin waist, packs a lot of muscle mass on he's pectorals, and he's apparently a huge Marvin Hagler fan. I rate Rhodes, Matthews, and Howard Eastman as the top 3 Brit Middleweights. For those of you who have never seen him, Jason resembles a Middleweight Junior Jones (physically speaking), only with a lot more muscle (especially on his chest). I would dare say that by fight time, Jason must be very close to 180 lbs, he is that big. He's never gone 12 rounds, or anywhere close to 12.

Jason predicts a KO in 1 round.

Ryan CLAIMS to be focused for his unscheduled opponent. In that case allow me to get quasi-religious on you folks for a second, by reading a quick chapter from the good book of Rhodes: Ryan Rhodes 25:17 says: I will strike down upon your ass with great vengeance, and furious anger, and that's the damnedest bottom-line that I've ever bottom-lined, so sayeth the good book of Rhodes.

In short good ol' Ryan is fixin' on dishing a righteous shitkicking on Matthews's ass.

Ryan and Jason are fighting for something that resembles an overgrown belt buckle that usually adorns the belly of some fat, rowdy redneck over at the local tractor pulling contest. Oh Yeah it's called the WBO Middleweight Championship Strap.

Now for the fight:

1) Here comes the challenger Ryan "Don't call me Dusty" Rhodes, and the other challenger Jason "I wish I was Jason Williams" Matthews. Frank Warren has his "Ho Train" (Round Card Girls) in place, and we are ready to begin. Ryan has apparently been sparring with bigger man such as Johnny Nelson. Ryan is 5.8 , and has a 71 inch reach, and is 19-1 (16). Matthews is 5.11, and has a 74 inch reach, and is 20-1 (17). Ryan is a 9/2 favourite with odds makers (Matthews deserves a bit better consideration than that). You should see some of the training techniques that Brendan Ingle has for Ryan. Brendan actually brings Ryan to bars to fight the local drunks (legit). Johnny is substituting Bert Shenk on only 5 days notice. Ingle is on a major losing streak (as is Frank Warren). Pele Reid, Herbie Hide, have all lost recently, maybe if Brendan actually taught them a shred of defence (ya think?). Brendan Ingle is a damn kiss of death to many aspiring young talents.

2) Jason comes to the ring with a headband that reads HARDCORE. Hardcore? I wonder if that means that he intends to "F*ck" up Ryan? Well it seems that the dumb Doncaster hicks are starting some drunk/rowdy chants, so I guess it's bell time. Referee is Mark Nelson from Minnesota (also known has "Jesse Ventura Country").

3) Round 1 begins, and Jason immediately starts bullying Ryan around, making full use of his superior strength. Ryan fires hooks with both hands, while Jason responds with a long jab coupled with the occasional sharp right cross. Ryan sticks with hooking, and he's pretty accurate, and Ryan is loading up steam with each punch. Jason covers up pretty well, while Rhodes keeps up with the bombs, nonetheless Matthews keeps coming forward. Ryan has his hands down by his waist and is counting on his sharp reflexes to keep him out of harm's way (he must think he's Muhammad Ali or something), Jason keeps jabbing and pushing forward, and throwing an occasional hook to Rhodes's ribs.

4) Rhodes traps Jason in the corner and let's him have it. Jason waltzes out, and turns things around. They jab each other at centre ring. 26 seconds to the end of the first round , and Jason catches Rhodes with a right hook/uppercut that sends Ryan backwards in slight distress. 6 or so right hooks later, and Rhodes is down on his hip with 19 seconds to end the first round. Ryan's girlfriend gets up an is at ringside in some distress, during this the Sky Tv commentator (Ian Darke) is having a bloody orgasm while commentating on Rhodes's worries. Rhodes is up at 4. Rhodes is obviously stunned, and he's extremely lethargic. Rhodes is once again in trouble when he's saved by the bell (remember that Tv show "Saved by the bell"? Boy that show sucked).

5) Brendan Ingle and his 2 sons do nothing special to revive Rhodes in the corner. They should really give him a sense of urgency to take back control of the fight very quickly , or go for the KO real fast. They should tell him to beef up the horsepower (or in Brendan Ingle's case "Jackass-Power") on his hooks to the head of Matthews. Rhodes's nose is bleeding 13 seconds into the second round. Jason keeps the pressure on, and he's throwing bomb after bomb, it reminds me of that movie "Dr. Strange Love" (Matthews is riding his own Nuclear Bombs straight into Rhodes's pretty face). Jason throws a left jab, right cross combo, and Rhodes is on his back only 18 seconds into the 2nd round, and feeling like Ted Kennedy (Drunk). Referee stops Rhodes at 10 (he did get up, but was completely out), the Rhodes corner had thrown in the towel at 9 anyway.

6) We have a new WBO Middleweight champ, and his name is Jason Matthews. The champ is jubilant, while Johnny Nelson rises to the canvas to comfort Ryan Rhodes. Frank Warren is pissed (another money train down the tubes for him). In my opinion Jason is just a much bigger man than Rhodes, and Ryan could never hope to cope with the power of such a bigger man. I also think that at only 5.8 tall Rhodes is carrying too much weight. He's not fat, but still he looks very unnatural at said weight. Jason breaks down, and cries during his emotional interview. He berates Barry McGuigan for criticising him in the past, and claims to have beaten McGuigan's man (Rhodes), and therefore he (Matthews) is now McGuigan's man (that should prove to be an awkward love affair).

7) In the Sky Tv studio, long time Ryan Rhodes "Jock Strap Riders" (Barry McGuigan, and Jim Watt) have a lot to answer for. Barry claims Matthews has a weak chin (perhaps, but he realises it and therefore as developed a tight defence), and claims that said weakness will be he's downfall in the future. Frank Warren claims Bert Shenk will get a crack at Matthews in 120 days.

8) Personally I thought this sub 4 minute fight was awesome. It was boxing drama at it's best, I was cheering for Rhodes like crazy, when Rhodes was down I nearly pulled my hair out. I couldn't be more delighted for Jason though. He was very emotional because of his mum's recent departure, and tonight he fought like a "Whore on Valentine's Day". Rhodes on the other hand was cheerful, and extremely optimistic as ever despite another horrible setback.

9) Rock Band "Def Lepard" used to sing "Let's Get Rocked", and believe me folks, tonight Jason Matthews rocked, and lullabied Rhode's ass to "never, never land". Frank Warren must be really pissed for having taken such a huge chance with a money fighter like Rhodes. I hear Frank Warren's proctologist called him right after the fight, and told Frank they had found he's head.

10) I don't know how long Mattthews can hang onto the title, can he beat Rhodes in a rematch? Can he beat Bert Shenk? Can he beat Howard Eastman? I tell you this much, he's big, he's very exciting, and most of all, he is one of the hardest punchers in British Boxing today. He's right cross is something fierce.

11) If anybody still rates Brendan Ingle a world class trainer after this fight, then I think you're just beyond help. I keep sending my fight reviews to HBO as well as others. Hey Louie Dibella ya better gimme a job soon or else I'm stealing your Rogaine. Come on baldie, I'm just like Ledderman only much funnier (I think?).

Thank you for reading my post. Remember alcohol is the cause, and solution to all of life's problems, so sayeth Homer Simpson.

Say a prayer for the Kennedys will ya?

Andre "Digging Mariah Carey since 1990" Figueiredo.

Quotes of The Day: Joe is coming out smoking and I ain't gonna be joking. I'll be pecking and a poking and pouring water on Joe's smoking. This may shock and amaze ya, but I will destroy Joe Frazier Muhammad Ali. 1971.

"The guy (Ali) kept saying he was GOD. Then I just said: Well GOD ya gonna get whipped tonight" Joe Frazier. 1971

Rest in Peace Grandpop

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