News Item: Santa has a busy day in boxing.

It’s Christmas Day and Santa, making a list and checking it twice, delivered these cool presents to those in the business of boxing:

Tony Ayala -- A lifetime supply of saltpeter, to be administered behind bars.

Mike Tyson -- A prison cell to share with Tony Ayala. But no saltpeter.

Paul Ingle -- A long, happy and healthy life.

Steve Pollard (Paul Ingle’s trainer) -- A lifetime suspension from boxing, or a shared cell with Ayala and Tyson. Pollard gets to pick.

Bob Lee -- The balls to rat out Don King.

Don King -- A federal prosecutor with enough smarts to put this predicate felon back in the can.

Bob Arum --  A prison cell to share with Don King. Both no saltpeter.

Shelly Finkel -- His former respectability.

Zab Judah -- A speck of humility and a trace of class.

Prince Naseem Hamed -- (See Zab Judah)

Andrew Golota -- A heart.

Ike Ibeabuchi -- A brain.

Cedric Kushner -- A heart and a brain. And some moustache wax to boot.

Al Certo -- A step-stool so the next time he can shove that damn mouthpiece into Andrew Golota’s yellow pie hole.

Roy Jones Jr. -- (See Andrew Golota.)

Oscar De la Hoya -- A voice teacher who’s not tone deaf.

Bobby Czyz -- The Roadrunner’s treadmill and a lifetime supply of Jenny
Craig.

Christy Martin -- Just the Jenny Craig.

Steve Albert -- A toupee without the thumb tacks.

Larry Merchant -- Albert’s toupee and a mouth cork.

Max Kellerman -- A dozen suits, shirts and ties. All black.

Teddy Atlas -- Diction classes not taught by Jake LaMotta.

Shane Mosley -- Nothing. This man needs nothing.

Fernando Vargas  -- A referee not intent with seeing him seriously hurt.

Felix Trinidad -- A fight with Roy Jones.

Bernard Hopkins -- A fight with Roy Jones after Trinidad softens Jones up a bit. Low blows allowed.

Lou Duva -- Liquid cement to keep his face from falling apart.

Bert Sugar -- A doo rag instead of that stupid hat.

George Foreman -- My greatest thanks for inventing that groovy grill. (Okay, so Thomas Edison he’s not.)

Jim Lampley -- A one-way ticket to the North Pole.

Ferdie Pacheco -- An igloo to share with Jim Lampley

Johnny Bos -- A housekeeper with a nose-pin and big broom.

Harold Lederman -- Charlton Heston’s voice box.

Hector Camacho Sr. -- A  retirement party.

Hector Camacho Jr. -- A title fight within the year.

Evander Holyfield -- (See Hector Camacho Sr.)

Floyd Mayweather -- A stiff dose of common sense, beaten into him by a stiff dose of Diego Corrales’ gloved fists. 

Johnny Tapia - A rubber room.

Lennox Lewis -- United States citizenship papers.

David Tua - Longer arms and shorter hair.

Paul Spadafora -- A new barber.

Steve “Bucket” Gordon  (Editor of the Cyberboxingzone) -- Al Gore’s autograph, signed by George W. Bush and certified by the Florida Supreme Court. With dimpled chads, of course.

And to all you boxing fans -- “No more pay-per-view fights. Period.” End of quotes.

Happy Holidays to all!!