News Item: Santa has a busy day in boxing.
It’s Christmas Day and Santa, making a list and checking it twice,
delivered these cool presents to those in the business of boxing:
Tony Ayala -- A lifetime supply of saltpeter, to be administered behind
Mike Tyson -- A prison cell to share with Tony Ayala. But no saltpeter.
Paul Ingle -- A long, happy and healthy life.
Steve Pollard (Paul Ingle’s trainer) -- A lifetime suspension from
boxing, or a shared cell with Ayala and Tyson. Pollard gets to pick.
Bob Lee -- The balls to rat out Don King.
Don King -- A federal prosecutor with enough smarts to put this predicate
felon back in the can.
Bob Arum -- A prison cell to share with Don King. Both no saltpeter.
Shelly Finkel -- His former respectability.
Zab Judah -- A speck of humility and a trace of class.
Prince Naseem Hamed -- (See Zab Judah)
Andrew Golota -- A heart.
Ike Ibeabuchi -- A brain.
Cedric Kushner -- A heart and a brain. And some moustache wax to boot.
Al Certo -- A step-stool so the next time he can shove that damn
mouthpiece into Andrew Golota’s yellow pie hole.
Roy Jones Jr. -- (See Andrew Golota.)
Oscar De la Hoya -- A voice teacher who’s not tone deaf.
Bobby Czyz -- The Roadrunner’s treadmill and a lifetime supply of Jenny
Christy Martin -- Just the Jenny Craig.
Steve Albert -- A toupee without the thumb tacks.
Larry Merchant -- Albert’s toupee and a mouth cork.
Max Kellerman -- A dozen suits, shirts and ties. All black.
Teddy Atlas -- Diction classes not taught by Jake LaMotta.
Shane Mosley -- Nothing. This man needs nothing.
Fernando Vargas -- A referee not intent with seeing him seriously
Felix Trinidad -- A fight with Roy Jones.
Bernard Hopkins -- A fight with Roy Jones after Trinidad softens Jones up
a bit. Low blows allowed.
Lou Duva -- Liquid cement to keep his face from falling apart.
Bert Sugar -- A doo rag instead of that stupid hat.
George Foreman -- My greatest thanks for inventing that groovy grill.
(Okay, so Thomas Edison he’s not.)
Jim Lampley -- A one-way ticket to the North Pole.
Ferdie Pacheco -- An igloo to share with Jim Lampley
Johnny Bos -- A housekeeper with a nose-pin and big broom.
Harold Lederman -- Charlton Heston’s voice box.
Hector Camacho Sr. -- A retirement party.
Hector Camacho Jr. -- A title fight within the year.
Evander Holyfield -- (See Hector Camacho Sr.)
Floyd Mayweather -- A stiff dose of common sense, beaten into him by a
stiff dose of Diego Corrales’ gloved fists.
Johnny Tapia - A rubber room.
Lennox Lewis -- United States citizenship papers.
David Tua - Longer arms and shorter hair.
Paul Spadafora -- A new barber.
Steve “Bucket” Gordon (Editor of the Cyberboxingzone) -- Al
Gore’s autograph, signed by George W. Bush and certified by the Florida
Supreme Court. With dimpled chads, of course.
And to all you boxing fans -- “No more pay-per-view fights. Period.”
End of quotes.
Happy Holidays to all!!