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02/19/2004 Archived Entry: "An Open Letter to James "Lights Out" Toney"
An Open Letter to James "Lights Out" Toney
Recently I’ve taken a liking to James Toney. I know enough about him to understand that he is not the sentimental type, yet I feel compelled to write a letter to him nonetheless. So James, if you’re out there, don’t get too pissed off it you happen upon this. Just remember, it’s because I love you, man.
Dear James,
For over ten years I have been a fan of boxing and, like many other so-called armchair experts, I live vicariously through the in-ring activity of the combatants. I never claim, no matter how terrible the performance, that I could do better. That’s because I was born with a blood-clotting disorder called hemophilia (think Henry Cooper or Klitchsko-Lewis).
Your recent successes against Jirov and Holyfield, as well as your willingness to take on the enormous Jameel McCline, have breathed new life into the heavyweight division. Not too bad for a guy who’s been around as long as you have. I enjoy the trash talk, because you go in there and back it up with results. Like many other fans, I was extremely disappointed when you were injured in training. An Achilles tendon tear, from what I hear, is among the most painful of injuries. Recent reports say that you should be ready to train in a few months, but I wanted to implore you not to fall to temptations between now and then.
In this country, obesity has reached super-sized proportions. The heavyweights, where you now reside, are the weight class most afflicted by this sweeping epidemic. Your own battles with the Big Mac have been well documented, and this is the reason why I am writing; Please, James, Don’t Get Fat.
As you are healing you will be bombarded by images on television imploring you to have it your way, make a run for the border, anything to pile on some calories. Hell, one of the most popular songs these days is called “Milkshake”, so I’d even advise you to stay away from the radio. That’s because we as boxing fans need you. The hemophilia community, too plagued by our own bleeding problems to enter boxing, we need you too.
I know it’s going to be tough, but the next three years of your career are the icing on the cake… OK, that’s a bad analogy, but you know what I’m talking about. You’ve come too far to let it slip away now. Stay in shape, and give boxing fans the sexy lap dance at heavyweight that Roy Jones Jr. promised before grabbing our one-dollar bills and running out the door. Please take my letter into consideration. And thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Shawn Decker
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Physical attacks against hemophiliacs are considered “attempted murder” in a court of law.
